ETIM's complaints and dream-journal

This morning I woke up from a dream about my having just reached my
goal weight and then coming across the That 70's Show "teen" cast (who
resembled the real senior teens from my old high-school with different
hairstyles) and I started hanging out in Foreman's garage with Steven
Hyde & riding/hanging in his car when I'm not walking around the block.
Nowhere near as entertaining as the one with Tristan and Death, but at least it wasn't about cleaning or exercising or something like..

Last night, I dreamed first about a hamster that kept crawling around and getting hidden before coming out from some other place, inside an upgraded version of that room from my latest worm-dream.
The dream I woke from was a story about Younger!Rasputin (Anastasia, Disney) resistantly developing a silly crush on Grown-Up!Tristan (Yu-Gi-Oh!, anime) who's at first playing hard to get, as he spends all his free time lounging around on floaty-devices in pools & taking casual walks around, while Rasputin traveled through his own dimension which conveniently laid beside Tristan's which allowed him to glimpse Tristan & Rasputin would get all frustrated with himself and emo-ly/stubbornly storm off and continue on his way.
Tristan was portrayed like how that talented Bardicsidhe on DevART portrays him older & lightly scruffy & muscular & calm, only this version was a little less buff and a little more soft, and I think he had greenish (first season)-brown eyes. Rasputin kinda resembles Yami no Bakura, emo-ly pale/thin & with shoulder-length pale blond hair, though dressed in weird robe-y clothes & had an ugly face like Rasputin.- keep in mind I forgot exactly what he looks like &, at the time, I forgot what his plot/character was so when he & Tristan finally met up in Tristan's world, he shyly introduced himself as "Death," a.k.a. the Grim Reaper. I'm not sure if I'm recalling correctly but I believe he was a only a few years older (Rasputin = Yami no Bakura, in this dream definitely) & he was a troubled man attempting to inherit his father's (a.k.a. Previous Death) job with as little seems as possible and was doing fairly good with the busy/invisible role, his only flaw being his interest in Tristan.. who found this being interesting & cute. I guess now they're together/friends or something.
It was cute! I woke up with a lil' amused grin. I haven't watched the movie Anastasia nor Yu-Gi-Oh! in months/years, so what da heck?
Whaddya'll think of my dream? Creepy, cute, not interesting at all? Personally, I'm not sure what to think.. and I dunno why I didn't just dream about Yami no Bakura & Tristan.. unless I've run out of plots to dream about. Or, is it just pathetic that I frequently dream about gay cartoon characters and not problems 'cause my life's too easy/simple?

Written from iTouch on muh treadmill 'cause I take a long time to jot my dreams.


P.S.: my gut's sluggish again; I dunno if it's from my med or my flu.

One of the very worst things you can do
To another person's mind is to,
Rather than tell that person face-to-face
That you mostly never want to
See their face again, that hearing their voice
Only frustrates you,
You just gradually gravitate away
And let one of your friends wonder
But never ask why or when you're coming back.
Didn't it happen to you when you were younger,?
Or is a conscience something that you lack?
In a way, it's kinda like lying.

You're using up the space that's in my head,
Wasting, stealing my thoughts and my dreams
With wondering if I've been again mislead.
It has happened to me, it seems,
With everyone else I've grown attached to.
I wouldn't do it if I hated them,
I am sure I wouldn't do it to you.
I'd tell you, so you wouldn't have this problem.

I don't know what I did wrong, assuming
That I did something wrong at all;
I don't know what it is that's between us.
I don't know if you look forward
To my mail or my face, or if you want me to back away.
'Cause you've left me in the dark and won't say.
Not moving when I look at you,
I swear that you're breaking away.

Ya know, I liked you best because
You were the most outspoken one I knew,
And though I wasn't sure of who I was
I never ever did tell you
But you couldn't tell how much we're alike.
Did most of what I liked in you change?
Will I tell you I'd never do it to someone I like,?
Then ask you what it was that changed?
I'd never do what I think you're doing to me to you.

I don't know what I did wrong, assuming
That I did something wrong at all;
I don't know what it is that's between us.
I don't know if you look forward
To my mail or my face, or if you want me to back away.
'Cause you've left me in the dark and won't say.
Not moving when I look at you,
I swear that you're breaking away.

If you feel most in company with me
And you're extending your alone-time,
I'd be proud of your independancy;
If you're just too preoccupied
And care most about giving your best to me,
I'd be proud of your sympathetic heart.
You hang out with your other friends
Yet rarely hang out anymore with me;
It has me thinking you're just my sympathy-friend.

Like on The Simpsons when the retarded kid
Caught the other in a Chinese finger-trap:
The more you make me wonder if you want me rid
The more I wind up thinking about you..crap.

I don't know what I did wrong, assuming
That I did something wrong at all;
I don't know what it is that's between us.
I don't know if you look forward
To my mail or my face, or if you want me to back away.
'Cause you've left me in the dark and won't say.
Not moving when I look at you,
I swear that you're breaking away.

You've left me in the dark and won't say,
Yet I swear that you're breaking away.
You've left me in the dark and won't say,
Yet I swear that you're breaking away.
You've left me in the dark and won't say,
Yet I swear that you're breaking away.
But I don't know if it's what you'd say.
I miss you and hope you want me to stay.

Now you won't even answer my e-mail.

Dream one:
A repetitive dream in which some semi-creepy older man, say in his 30s, talked to me shortly & ever since was in a constant state of watching & stalking me.. standing outside our house where he could see me through all the windows including my room which I for whatever reason felt was the safest from eyes despite it having (lightly covered) windows. Like when you're in SecondLife and your avatar sits on a mummy/horse/etc. and it gives you a ride & preprogrammed tour of the place you're at, somehow I was magically being flown across the sky and ultimately to the grocery store, where I, out in open local space, assumed I'd eventually meet up with him without my parents who would answer the door instead of me and give excuses as to why I couldn't come to the door and talk to him. I did but he wasn't as talkative as usual, as if he had been the one to take me there (like in SecondLife where you can teleport people, though people are able to decline the teleports) & he was hoping to just get his way and watch me more easily by stalking me from afar throughout the store.

Dream two:
I went to bed in the bed I wasn't used to at my school.( I was in college?) The realization that it wasn't real faded away as this "dream" (within a dream) progressed and my little shop stand where I, much to my guilt, sold what seemed to be like snakes or worms.. I can't recall what the product/s was/were, but I was amongst a few other little stands. I wanted to leave my stand somewhat, perhaps to take a walk around the store I was in.
Gradually but quickly enough, everybody turned out to have worms sticking out of them (including crevices which were cracked like body-parts behaving like half-merged Lego-pieces which still have some space between them yet are securely together), and all I wanted was to stay in my room & in my bed and keep my body's holes blocked off from any worms that might somehow manage to get into my room, for not many other reasons than the fact that I didn't want to be changed or ridden of who I am.
The infestation occurred too fast for my attempt to even warn anybody. Some infested people took semi-quick trips into my room, like how people do; these people act no more suspicious than how people do so I wasn't sure whether or not the bulky creatures effected merely everybody's health or more, assuming these worms were pesticides rather than merely dumb creatures who enjoy dark places like people's ears, throats, and bums.
Then I woke up and, after some brief waiting, swung the door open to see my (real-life) helper-lady( who I had in some high-school classes near the end of my term at high-school) who I've forgotten the name of. I wasn't sure if it was part of the dream or if everybody had actually been infected and weren't anymore, or also if the worms had merely settled deeper to the point of me not being able to see them. "...everybody had these huge worms!," I told her about my dream; she told me that I don't have to worry since her job is to protect me.( A.K.A. I've been reading this fan-fiction @ DS9 about Odo befriending a mysterious little girl before sleep these past two nights.) She was headed away from me & then downstairs to continue helping my parents who, as I could see through the open door, were.. sweeping wheat fields? with hoes/rakes/some long planting/harvesting tool? What the hell were my parents doing helping my college's crops?? Surely, it would matter less if they had worms in their bodies or not, since whatever was in them didn't seem to be making them physically dangerous or wholly selfish.

I've been having some wonky dreams lately, indeed. I wonder if it all means that I'm using my head more.. I hope that's the case. Anyways, it's nice to write about more than my weight once in a while.
but, honestly, when is my med gonna start kicking in?

First: My parents and I were on vacation or something. They were driving the car down a steeply inclined "road" (track) that, in my eyes, seemed to be way too small for a car to fit in the middle of. I was half-worried the car was gonna fall off-road. As we rode, it kept seeming like they were driving on the side of the road rather than the certain middle, but apparently that wasn't the case and they drove down that road suspended in the air perfectly. Mom seemed annoyed that I lacked faith that they made a good decision going this way, but I got the impression it was the only route to get to where we had made our plans.
I just had this second nightmare: Dad and I were using a bathroom like a hotel's. He was possessed, somehow, which led him to become obsessed with using all the items in the bathroom for the sake of super cleanliness. Eventually, I had to pee a little, so, particially to make him no longer suspicious of me, I peed in the toilet. "Are you peeing.. !?" he asked proudly. I don't think I responded, mostly since, as I pulled my pants back onto me, I then saw something fiberous/hairy like a tassle squirming around a corner of the bathtub which my dad had used first. "Watch out!" I urged him, pointing at it, shortly before it leapt my neck and proceeded to attempt to take my judgement over. I dunno why this dream was much less scary to me than the latter dream.

BTW, yesterday I lost weight instead of overate by 2 lbs in another day like how I had been doing for a while.. how long will I stay in my head & keep this up?

Dream 1:
Apparently there was a time when I walked a lot longer than I did when I went for my nightly trick-or-treating, but now I was sick &/or lazy and didn't wanna go the same distance anymore. I tried to find alternate ways of getting candy (from the only two people who'd give me candy over and over again: my parents) but my parents kept the candy locked away from me.
Dream 2:
My dad had been cloned somehow, the clone having grown from a couple tablets (which looked like charcoal tablets). I eventually left it in the livingroom to go into the kitchen and talk to my actual Dad, but conversation didn't last long before we heard thudding and glanced to the other open door to the kitchen to see. A full-grown second version of my big dad knelt there on knees and palms. "So.. are you my mommy?" he/it asked. Dad, who by the way was to my left, looked horrified and had trouble finding his words, but soon enough told me "Wh.. Congradulations..!" I figured he'd continue "it looks like you're a mother, now!" but I woke up yet again as he went into midsentance 'cause my blanket wasn't covering my feet when they jerked downward.

The last time I gained too much weight, it was about half this.. and I didn't have the insanity of "giving up" everytime the calorie-numbers didn't look/feel like they'd level off by the end of the day (and, since I started requiring about a thousand calories every night, it seems half possibly hopeless anyway) nor the insanity of eating random crud I don't even like/crave/enjoy every odd hour as my mind/feet return/s to the kitchen. I wasn't gaining 2.5lbs each day in extra calories and therefore felt like my appearance accurately represented my lifestyle, spirit, etc., and therefore I was completely willing to patiently walk and diet my way down to 115, 109, 108.. Now, I'm gaining really fast and I am not even happier after eating or splurging on planned treats that I love like decadent ice cream treats from DQ. The difference is I now work like a dog (with a flu that makes the muscles ache, feet swell, and stomach growl even when full on thousands of calories of healthy stuff and hundreds of grams of fiber--oh yes, I recently went over 200g in fiber in a day) to slow down my gain, and it means everything to me (since I'm shallow & my mind's already been broke by all the times I treadmilled over 200 minutes at 4.5 w/ 5% incline only to be too hungry to sleep and re-eat all those lonesomely burnt calories in peanut butter and turkey and crud) to lose the weight.. before I get any ID photos taken of me, before anybody sees me(, though nobody ever saw me back when I was maintaining 11? lbs of muscled beauty) and before I take any physical (non-online) classes in college. It's fair in the ways that it is. The stupidest thing about this whole ordeal is I'm like "Hey, where the hell'd the extra half-dozen-thousand calories come from?? I don't remember enjoying any food.. !" and this leads me to wanna comfort feed more, as if it'd be a greater accomplishment to grow even bigger rather than go and do something else.
It'd be nice if one of my old highschool friends would come over every few days to watch the boring idiot-box with or talk about random stuff with while I treadmill; I'd easily forget or even come to appreciate the shooting pains in my bulgy-bony right foot and swollen left foot and heavy legs and chicken-wing abraised thighs and the extra aches/pains this flu's giving me.. and I'd look forward to treadmilling.
I went thousands over even though I went over 9 miles (despite the slow pace) & burnt at least 1250 calories.

The med should start working against my evil appetite in.. approximately two weeks. Still, there might be less hope when that time comes.

I have nightmares about my treadmill when I treadmill for more than several hours more than a couple weeks in a row. I dunno why the hell I'm almost always hungry. When I overeat, I overeat by like two lbs easily. Everytime I lose a lb, I wind up gaining back several times as much. I'm eating stuff I don't even want to eat. The truth is I'm a loser. I held at 108 lbs, treadmilling hours at 4.5MPH with 5% incline every single day, but my legs feet hurt so much now, and I think my sanity ran out somewhere along the way back when I was holding my weight. I have to burn/save about 800-1000 calories for every night because I'm always hungry but it matters most to not be hungry every night. A month or so back, 50 lbs lighter, I was 98 lbs and being pressured to gain weight, so now I'm all stretched out and it takes more treadmilling to make up for the amount of food that makes up for what it takes to make my stomach no longer feel tingly and burnt and bare. I can't hold to my weight-loss diet for more than a week at a time 'cause I'm a loser and when I adhere to said diet I get very woozy and I've woken up with a growling stomach despite the 8-10k calories, even though the first time I lost the fat I didn't feel this wozzy. Every day, I look a lot less like myself and treadmilling becomes harder even though I know I have even more treadmilling ahead of me. I always get at least 5 miles in every day, though back when I was maintaining weight I used to go 8 miles at a much faster pace every day. And more recently, bone is bulging out of my right foot.
142lbs today - gotta be 115lbs

I wanna go to New York when I get down to 115 lbs. That'd be something I'd treasure in my head always. I really, really wanna go to New York.
Even though I was 115, then 110, then 108, for a really long time, Mom never did take me anywhere.. though I wanted to go to New York for many years, now. I'm 19, and I've been wanting to go to New York since I was little. Now I'm gonna be starting college with online courses so nobody sees me like this.

I look nothing like myself. I ate myself. I hate myself. I can't trust myself.

Also, my gut hurts. My gut keeps me at a cruddy 3MPH on the treadmill, nowadays..

Dream one-
It was around December & it turned out that it was snowing outside at some point. I was treadmilling as I watched an awful Tim Burton animated movie with my mom (and maybe, at some point, my dad?) beside the couch in the living-room. I sometimes got off to eat stuff like lunch, dinner, and snacks, rather than random food closest to me that I don't even like; at some point. My parents' attention ditched the movie; Mom told me, when I started to comment on the cliqueness of how the movie was starting, "Oh! I'm sorry, I wasn't watching it.."
I gradually seemed to visit the sliding glass door type door that seemed to be the front door to the neighbors and everybody, who were basically together out there. I went out there, I guess mainly to show off my beauty or that I'm alive and live at this house (since, in all my dreams except nightmares I'm my goal-weight which I passed up, 115.. I gained 55 lbs or so in a matter of weeks thanks to this new habit I developed back when I was 98 & gaining weight). A couple of the people (who were my age, BTW) glanced up to acknowledge me with their eyes but I wasn't sure whether or not it was pity-attention or interest in what I was doing out on the balcony-like porch. When one guy in particular (looked like the real-life version of Tristan from YGO= tanned, crew-cut-ish hair-do) sent me an amused sorta look, I gradually came to realize that I was pantless & in was in my underwear, and I only wished in my head that it looked like I was wearing white short-shorts; anyways, I wasn't necessarily mortified by the empathetic imagery: I felt pretty & like myself. I wasn't half a weight bigger, I think.

Dream two-
Mom & I were sitting on the couch (of that living-room I always dream about which I believe is from our old house) when I, upon glancing at the stars framed by the window behind our couch, pointed out to my mom a star that had a ring around it; I thought it was Saturn and that I was merely sharing with her something she took interest in 'til she pointed out, what I only noticed after I begun talking about the sight, that there was another ringed one to the lower-right of it (so it was more common then I thought). As we stood up and headed to (our) left in the room, the lighting changed from dark night to day and then back to dark again. She gasped and told me how there seemed to be two dimensions/times. We decided then and there to stay away from that part of our house for a while. Soon enough after the discovery, I think when Mom went to use the bathroom, we lost one-another & I was among a crowd of other people (my age of about 19) walking down some wide hallway in the same direction. First one of us & then the other kept appearing in different places and back. - "Please..! PLEASE..! Just this once! Wake me up!!" I kept pleading to my mom after I wound up in (our old) bed, watching her switch between herself & creepy-witch-wrinkled; she kept shuffling around and telling me how I have to learn to be more independent and that she was sleeping. She had a point to some degree, I thought.
Anyways, I'm here now, so I guess I managed to wake myself up.

What brought the dream on was that interview with the shirtless-wolf-guy from that cruddy movie New Moon I saw several hours before heading To bed. He kinda looks like my dad when he was younger, I realized, after eyeing him for a while.. the weirdly short-yet-messy black hair & especially the eyes.

So, Mom and I were shopping at a large mall (Mall of America esque), and upon leaving I got my mom to let me visit the dollar tree. I got: a New Moon (movie) jacket & a Ba Ha Men (band) jacket (for ebay!) & some smaller random trinkets that might be useful. There my dad stood between the jacket bin and some stuff hung up, waiting to be taken home with us after we checked out; I expected him to be proud of my ebay-finds & perhaps my mom to forbid me from buying the ebay-finds, but it turned out (during shopping-review in the car) one of them was sure the Ba Ha Men one wouldn't sell & I was sure I didn't wanna wear it, so I wound up wanting to go back and get my dollar back and the aweful jacket out of my wasteful possession; as the car gestured closer to the mall with the dollar tree, we saw my dad. During the whole ordeal with driving away from the mall, I kept looking at him thinking about how much his facial features had changed and how worrisome it was, and now it turns out he wasn't my dad, but rather some other man with black hair & brown eyes.. who happened to be less chubby & more relaxed & about 15-20 years younger as well. During the carride Mom and I had both been lusting for him a bit; I'm not sure what that was about. I now realize he might've been selling himself for a dollar. My dad was basically like WTF!? as he replaced the look-alike in Mom's car.

In like four days, I had a net-loss of about what I gained back today. I guess I'll treadmill some more when I'm done typing this, though my gut hurts and I can't seem to keep my balance and I'm woozy (though much less-so than I was back when I was losing weight for that very-short period)

Random selection of mediocre emo lyrics by the Pet Shop Boys(, 'cause I'm in the pitifully useless mood to be sitting rather than treadmilling while listening to bad emo):
Don't wanna hear the news
What's going on
What's coming through
I don't wanna know
Don't wanna know
Just wanna hide away
Make my my escape
I want the world
To leave me alone
Feels like I feel too much
I've seen too much
For a little while
I want to forget

I wanna be numb
I don't wanna feel this pain no more
Wanna lose touch
I just wanna go and lock the door
I don't wanna think
I don't wanna feel nothing
But I wanna be numb
I just wanna be
Wanna be numb
Meh, sometimes simplicity is just what a song needs to be catchy. If only this song were more up-beat in rhythm, I'd be playing it on repeat on my iPod on the tread. Too bad; I seem to be nearly-addicted to the song these past couple days. Heck, it's nearly amusing.

I'm crying again now. Ya know, I feel a strong bit of de-ja-vu emitting from today.
Ya know those recurring nightmares where you're too tired and confused to wake up from them & everything seems to be right, like a trick to keep you asleep, except for one glaring detail that proves it's a dream and couldn't possibly be real, like somebody in the background has red eyes.. or the disciplined skinny body-builder of the family is rapidly morphing into one of them local inbred water-buffaloes with little-to-no-hope of going back before college starts?
I was crying these past couple nights 'cause I knew it would happen. and I can't seem to count on these crud-for-brains to keep it from happening some more today. I just only hope that tomorrow and the next day I'll be able to maintain weight.
How is it I feel healthy with 10,000 calories (no exaggeration) surging through me but feel like I'm dying slowly whenever I have a deficit/loss even for one day? I guess I'll have to go much slower than what I was planning and at the speed I've been gaining.

I don't look like myself. Why NOW? Why couldn't it have happened during college break, so they would at least realize that there's a non-gluttonous, muscular, disciplined lil' lady here, if under layers of wobbly fat that I hardly noticed I was wrapping around her and choking her?
Darnit, I know I'm behaving like an emo eleven-year-old kid, but I'm nineteen going on twenty. I'm so f'in' creepy & there's no excuse.

By the way, these past few nights, despite doubling up on my prescription happy-sleepy-pill, I've been waking up wide-awake hours later these past few nights.
I dunno if it happens after said dreams, but I've been having about as many fatty-nightmares nowadays as how many treadmill-nightmares I used to have.. perhaps, soon, the treadmill-nightmares will return after more of the "shock" left from what I've done (again and again) wears off.

One thing I must NEVER, in my LIFE, EVER let happen: go over 140 lbs & have it not have to do with digestive/water-weight.



Edit: I went only about 6 miles today. listening to that emo song repetitively. Yesterday, I went 15 & 2/3 miles- but the maltitol/sorbitan stearate in the cupcakes I inhaled this evenning really did a number on my already-aching gut.

133-138lbs @ 5"2, though I'm still 98-111lbs on the inside.
I have so many empty days of treadmilling ahead of me.
I need to get to 115lbs before the next time a bunch of people are gonna see me.
Nobody will believe if I were to tell 'em I walk a minimum of 10k steps every day and used to be covered in muscle and lean/pretty.
I don't look like myself; I look like 1000 calories saved for my daily night-meal wasn't enough so I ate the athletic, pretty lil' thing I used to be, and the sight makes me cry at least once every day. I don't even know what brought that week of over-eating on, besides my random desire to Google "overmedicate."
I used to treadmill as much as I do nowadays in order to MAINTAIN weight, rather than lose..
My mom tells me that my daily questioning about my diet-plan is grinding her nerves.

I've been through this stupidity before. This time around, however, it is so much harder. I'm hungry all the time & require about 950 calories right before I close my eyes to go to sleep every night lest I get too hungry and wake up hungry and have trouble sleeping due to stomach-growling & speeding thoughts of food.

145 lbs yesterday; today 139 lbs.. let's hope it continues like this.

Random URL now: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=overmedicated&aq=f&oq=&aqi=g10

I just gained nearly a lb; I just overate to almost 3500 over my day's calories. By the end of the day, I'll have gained a lb.

I was doing such a good job, getting closer and closer, with help from my treadmill and my parents keeping stuff locked away, nearing my goal weight. I was 118/117 this morning(, having started at 132 lbs); now, I guess I'm 119. I have even further until I reach 115, now. and my stomach feels as though it has been stretched. And I think my metabolism slowed down again, so it's gonna be harder. Damnit, I was SO close..
I don't know why I do these things I do. My mom's gonna be so pissed when she finds out I ate all her yogurt and the leftovers if it turns out somebody else was gonna have them.

I treadmilled/dieted off the lbs I had gained through my insanity, going from 132 to 118 in about 1 & 1/2 weeks; I just now gained about lb of that back. I guess I have even more 1k-minimum-calorie burn-off session days ahead of me. I guess I'm thankful I'm no longer on the upper end of normal and am still relatively close to my goal of being 115. Four lbs to go, now(, instead of just three)..
I got a lot of fiber in between each food I had & I also just recently had 25mg of the stimulant-laxative ingredient bicycodal(sp?); since I started my period two days ago (after about 10 months lacking), I guess I'll be hurting twice as bad as I would've tonight.

BTW, I forgot which colors were needed so today I didn't get the fabric needed for the Tristan monkey. again.

My MSN horoscope was right again!
Cancer - Oct. 21, 2009
Tomorrow: Are things really going this beautifully for you, dear Cancer? This is a question you might be asking yourself right now. All seems perfect as career, romance, education, and spiritual matters seem to be coming together to crystallize into a beautiful life. Don't waste any time worrying if this is all too good to be true! You're concerned about the future, and that's fine. But for now, live in the moment. You're creating some beautiful memories if nothing else. Enjoy

Yesterday,
1. I got into contact with a couple of my highschool friends.
2. I started spotting! I THINK I FINALLY, AFTER NEARLY A YEAR, HAVE RESTARTED MY PERIOD!
3. Utilizing the treadmill and my new metabolism, I've managed to lose several lbs! (My arms are still cruddy, but I guess once I reach 115 lbs & stop losing at this rate I'll be able to pump them back up to how they were before I was at 98 lbs)
4. Tomorrow, Mom MIGHT.. finally be buying me the fabric required to make my Tristan monkey plush.

Also, I had made yesterday a treadmill-day since I had nothing else to do with my time. I just really, really hope that tomorrow I'm gonna get started on the plush.

So, I'm losing weight, a little slower than how I was gaining weight but still, although I strongly suspect that most of this loss is from water; damn heater. My mom wants me to "pick a weight and stick with it" as she tells me, and I keep telling her that, yeah, I've picked a weight and it hasn't arrived quite yet. I still think once I drink more water my weight 'll increase and I'll return to being farther from my goal-weight. Anyways, despite the fact that I save an average of 1100 calories for right before I go to sleep each night (and I must do this since I'd be too hungry to sleep otherwise, and yes, I hate it) I'm managing to lose weight simply living with my stretched out metabolism. I once ate about four boxes of sugary cereal in one night with milk, by the way; I still dunno why I did that.
Yesterday was a treadmill day and therefore today is a non-treadmill day, as I promised myself.. even though it just writhes me with guilt and boredom and purposelessness. Yep, I'm STILL unable to start my excruciatingly simple plush monkey project that I've been meaning to for months now, since she's too sick/busy to leave the house and my dad's gonna not be willing to replace the stained fabric either; this is getting stupid. and all I can think about is tomorrow's treadmilling.

I treadmilled off about 1000 calories yesterday, so I dunno how I could've wound up weighing the same this morning as what I weighed yesterday morning, even if that weigh-in was before my depressingly big night-meal that I must set calories away for every night as to be able to get to sleep and not wake up several times hungry. (The only way I am capable of losing weight with this diet is my treadmill.)
Tomorrow is a treadmill-day, since today wasn't. Also, I'm gonna see my gynecologist tomorrow for no real reason. I didn't poop at all, today, and tomorrow I'm gonna be out of the house during all the hours in which my intestines usually work; I can only imagine how many times I'll be hopping off the treadmill to poop tomorrow.
I spent all of this "free day" cross-stitching what only turned out was riddled with errors and had to be removed. I guess I should've treadmilled instead of wasted my time. and it turns out the cloth my mom bought me to make my Tristan-monkey plush got sprinkled with something the consistency of oil from the cutting table at the store we bought it from so I couldn't make it today, and tomorrow's a treadmill-day so I doubt I'll be able to start it tomorrow.
If I didn't lose weight yesterday I can only assume today is a day of weight-gain, despite my attempt at sticking to this diet (that continues to unfairly collect all my calories to right before sleep.) Even if it turns out I can trust myself and I'm able to treadmill the mileage I gotta tomorrow, I still dunno if I'll lose weight. and if I don't feel up to it today I certainly can't imagine I'll be feeling up to it tomorrow. And the nightmare repeats with no end in sight.

10/16/09
An hour ago, my mom sat down with me & we planned out a diet for me, which she will be helping me stick to. Hopefully her parcially controlling my diet will have me thinking about food a lot less. The way it's built, I seem to be getting 1200 calories right before stepping into bed at night and only about 700 for the rest of my day. This was actually a problem I've been complaining about for several months, now. I'm just too hungry to sleep; the "night-night meal" as I've nicknamed it is the most important. Let's see how things work out tomorrow.

PB2, 2 tbsps - 53
Smucker's Reduced Sugar Squeeze, 1 1/3 tbsps - 31
One slice whole wheat bread - 70

FiberOne Yogurt - 50

Milk, 1/8c - 14

Soy Sauce, 4 1/2 tbsps - 45
Broccoli, 6 1/2c, 200
Grated Parmesan Cheese, 1/2 cup - 300
Carrots, 8 oz - 111
Gas-X Tablet - 8

Candy Corn, 5 pieces - 32

Michelina's Macaroni & Cheese, 1/16th of container - 5
Fried Chicken, half a medium-sized piece w/o skin - 202
Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce, 3 tbsps - 140
Activia Light - 70
Broccoli, 1c - 30

Grapes, 1oz - 22
Carrots, 2 1/2 oz - 35
Good Sense brand Pine Nuts, 1/8c - 100
Cereal, Life, 1 1/4 - 200
1% Milk, 2/3c - 73
Mushrooms, 1/3 oz - 2
Gas-X - 8
Tums, reg, 15 tablets - 38
Carrots, 13 3/4 oz - 191
Life, 3/4c - 120

Grapes, 13 oz - 284

Healthy Choice Pea & Ham Soup, whole can - 320
Fiber One Yogurt - 50
Banana, 3 1/3 oz - 122
Tomatoes, 5 oz - 30
Sweet peas, canned, whole can - 210
Healthy Choice chicken noodle, whole can - 200
Candy corn, 6 pieces - 38
Milk, 1 1/8c - 124
Clifford Crunch, 3 1/3c - 333
Baby Goldfish in cheddar, 44 pieces - 69
Pine Nuts - 117
Fat-Free Mayo, tsp - 3 1/3
Whole wheat bread, 1 slice - 70
Turkey, 2 1/4 oz - 100
Kashi cookie, Oatmeal Raisin Flax - 130
Hershey's special dark chocolate - 53

Ketchup, tsp - 5
Mayo, tsp - 3
Mushrooms, 2 1/2 oz - 17

Back to Nature Peanut Butter Creme cookie, 1/3 of - 20
3 1/4c Clifford Crunch - 325
Milk, 1/2c
Pine Nuts, 6 tbsps - 300
Carrots, 8 oz - 111
Grated Parmesan, 5 tbsps - 187

Romaine Lettuce, 4 1/2 - 23
Tomatoes, 5 oz - 30
Mayo, 1 1/2 tbsps - 15
Turkey, 4 3/4 oz - 211
Wheat bread, 2 slices - 140

Healthy Choice Pea & Ham Soup, whole can - 320
Hostess 100-Calorie Chocolate Cupcake Triple-pack - 100
Pine Nuts, 5 3/4 tbsps - 288

Clifford Crunch, 2 3/4c - 275
Gas-X, 3 - 24



184.6g fat (43.5g saturated)
425.5mg cholesterol
1069.1 carbs
195.9g fiber
437.3g sugars
344.9g protein
Edit: 7048 calories total
I didn't feel stuffed/full once yesterday